We're screwed
by Mimi-Kiki-Dits
Summary: Never, ever, go off in search of Natsu and Lucy. Especially when you're a gossip hound like Mira.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: I don't even know...

Status: complete

Time: 30 minutes

* * *

"Okay!" Mira cried exuberantly. "I've got a perfect activity for Valentine's Day!"

"What is it?" the majority of the guild asked curiously.

"Picking dates out of a hat! Whichever two scraps of paper I pick out of this hat," she beckoned to Makarov's hat, which was lying in a crumpled heap on the counter, "are a pair! The people have to go on a date!"

Natsu scoffed. "A date? I've got better stuff to do!" he turned to Gray, who was sitting, shirtless, discussing something animatedly with Juvia. "Droopy eyes, fight me!"

Gray faced Natsu, rolled his eyes, and told the dragonslayer irritably, "I was talking to someone, you idiot slangy-eyed fire-breathing oblivious stupid head!"

Natsu sneered. "Right. I bet you've got the hots for Juvia. You would never decline a fight from Natsu the great any other time. Dude, you're whipped."

"Natsu!" a soft voice called out. "Could you help me?"

He flinched, glared at Gray, and muttered savagely, "Gotta go, Lucy's calling me."

Gray snorted. "Yeah. _I'm _the whipped one."

Natsu stumbled over to where Lucy was sitting and asked impatiently, "Yeah? What do you need _my_ help for?"

"Nothing," Lucy grinned. "Just seeing whether you would come or not."

"You are truly weird." Natsu glared fiercely. Then he sighed. "To hell with sanity. I'll participate. I ain't got nothing better to do, anyway."

Mira cheered silently. She was going to match him with Lisanna, and Lucy with Gray. "Alright!" she shouted. "Seeing as everyone but me is participating," she shot a pointed stare in Natsu's direction, "I'll pull the names out of the hat since I'm the only one who's excluded!"

Shouts of "Hurrah!" and "Get it over with!" rang through the guild.

"Couple number 1!" Mirajane pulled two names out of the hat. "Lucy and... Gray!"

The guild cheered.

"Number two," Mira reached into the hat and cursed herself. Stupid Mira! She had forgotten about making sure Natsu and Lisanna's were together. "Natsu and..." Natsu rolled his eyes, "... Gajeel..."

"What the hell!" Natsu and Gajeel simultaneously exploded.

"I ain't goin' on a date with flame brain!" Gajeel choked, his eyes bulging.

"Oh yeah? I'm not going on a date with metal head either!" the fire mage exclaimed.

"Calm down!" Lucy pulled Natsu's sleeve.

"Just... no, Godammit! I'm not going on a date with metal head!"

"Same here!"

The pattern continued, Natsu and Gajeel both whining, moaning that they "... wouldn't and couldn't..." go on a date.

"Natsu!" Lucy interrupted the fire dragonslayer. "Come with me and we'll talk about it."

Natsu was way to quick to comply. "Okay, Luce."

They trudged out the door, bickering as usual.

"Okay," Mira tried to help, "that was a failure."

Murmurs of agreement swept through the guild members.

"Yeah. I know, but we can still try-" she stopped, sighed, and admitted, "Okay, fine. We can't try again. Um, you're dismissed, I guess."

The congregated members left, their heads shaking, smiles rueful.

"I'll go check on Natsu and Lucy, assuming that flame brain's still in the land of the living." Gray strode out of the guild hall.

Mira slumped down on a seat, abandoning her post, ignoring Cana and her requests for more alcohol.

About a half hour later, Gray returned.

"They are _not _talking," he grinned wolfishly. "I guess Natsu really did get some."

Mira's eyes widened, and she whipped around to face Gray, her alabaster hued hair doing a pirouette around her heart shaped face. "Eh?" she looked incredulous.

"Yup," Gray grinned wider. "They were making out on her floor."

Mira tripped over herself and sprinted out onto the street, narrowly missing a plump, grouchy, elderly looking woman.

When she reached the door, she realized that she had nothing to say. I mean really, what could she say? "Hi, Gray told me you guys were making out. Are you friends with benefits?" Um, nope. That was not suitable.

She knocked on the door and waited. Curses sounded from inside and she heard the throwing on of shirts, the fixing of makeup, and a resounding smack.

"Ouch!" Natsu whispered from inside.

"Sorry," Lucy murmured. "I've gotta look like I scolded you."

Mirajane heard the scurrying of feet and smiled brightly as the door swung open.

"May I come in?" she asked politely.

"Of course!" Lucy responded cheerily, her tone strained and her eyes anxious.

"Great," Mira stepped into the apartment.

"So, what's up?" Lucy asked.

"Well, for starters, you should get a new door. This one isn't soundproof." Mira winced as Lucy's expression dropped.

"You heard? Well, obviously you did. That was stupid." Lucy laughed nervously. "Don't tell anyone!" she pleaded.

"I won't," the (in)famous gossiper promised.

"It's not like we're dating or anything," Natsu chimed in and Lucy agreed, nodding frantically.

"It's like... best friends with benefits." Lucy concluded.

"Okay..." Mira looked disbelieving.

"We're not lying!" Lucy defended.

"Yeah!" Natsu agreed heartily.

"Wait," Mira gazed around the apartment, looking at anyone but her friends, "don't you have a boyfriend, Lucy?"

Lucy nodded, her face consumed by an angry red blush. "Yeah." She confessed, bowing her head in shame.

"You know what, I'm not even gonna ask." Mira rose, walked to the door, and called over her shoulder, "See you guys later."

As soon as she left, Natsu and Lucy exchanged glances.

"We're screwed," Natsu murmured.

"Yeah, pretty much." Lucy agreed.

And Natsu started kissing her again.

"Totally." Mira, who had recorded the kiss, chuckled evilly.

* * *

IDK what it's about, it's a story idea of mine, which wasn't even for Fairy Tail. Whatever, I hope you indulge in idiotic authors like myself.


	2. Chapter 2

"..." Master Makarov turned many, vibrant shades of purple and green before spluttering and yelling, "T-this is a real picture?!"

Mira nodded, her sapphire eyes earnest. "Yes, Master."

Makarov narrowed his eyes, and asked suspiciously, "How did you get _this?_"

Mira blinked innocently. "I just happened to pass by, and I wanted Lucy-san to do me a favor, so I knocked on the door. No one answered, so I wanted to make sure Lucy-san was okay. I opened the door, and I saw _it _just happen! I wanted you to see what was happening, so I took a photo so that you'd believe me."

Makarov, who obviously did not believe the oldest Strauss, sighed and stroked his beard. "How long?"

Mira looked confused, and bit her lip. "I have _no _idea!" she smiled deviously. _I'll just have to do some digging,_ she thought.

Mira ran out of the Master's office, sprinted down the stairs, and grabbed Erza. "Look here!" she shoved the photo in Erza's face.

"What is this?" Erza asked, shocked.

"It's a picture I took!" Mira announced proudly.

"They were doing _that_?" Erza looked incredulous.

Mira nodded. "Yup."

"Eep!" Erza turned a bright vermillion.

"How long?" Mira asked impatiently.

"I don't KNOW!" Erza shouted, earning murmurs from the rest of the guild.

"Shut _up_!" Mira hissed. "I don't want people to know about _this!_"

Erza, who wanted to protect the relationship which had apparently budded between two of her closest friends, wisely shut her mouth.

"Let's find out! Help me, please!" Mira begged.

Immediately, Erza nodded. "Of course."

They snuck out of the guild, giggling softly as they pictured the blushing faces of their friends when they admitted to their private relationship.

"Come, Mirajane," Erza beckoned to a small, cozy house, "_this _is Lucy's house."

Mira scowled. "_I _already knew that, Scarlet."

Erza chuckled. "Rivals again, eh? Only when it comes to gossip are you bloodthirsty, Strauss."

Mirajane paled. "Sorry, Erza-chan."

Erza shook her head. "It's not an issue. I liked being rivals."

Mira heard voices and footsteps, and dragged Erza into a nearby alleyway so that they could eavesdrop on the passerby's conversation.

"Natsu, I'm sorry, but why did you do that?" Lucy asked.

"Look," Natsu answered sheepishly, "I didn't mean to go all crazy, it's just that... he bugged me."

"Well, evidently," she sounded annoyed, "but c'mon, Natsu! I haven't had a date in forever!"

"Look, I'm sorry, okay?" he dodged the subject.

"Ugh! Just- ugh! _Shut up with the sorrys and answer the question_!" Lucy threw her hands up in frustration.

"Sor- mmph!" Natsu was interrupted by a kiss.

"Shut _up_," Lucy hissed, wrapping her hands around his neck.

"Okay!" he led her into her house, and the echo of a door slamming reverberated around the surrounding area.

"Oh my Mavis!" Mira squealed. "Natsu is... _jealous_?!"

Erza was more concerned for her friends. "I guess so. But why do they do this instead of just having an official relationship?"

Mira was perplexed. "I dunno. Let's find out!"

She dragged Erza to the door, and rapped her knuckles on the wooden doorframe.

"_Fuck_!" Natsu swore.

"Who is it?" Lucy asked, disappointed at the disturbance.

"It's Mira!" Mira called.

"Oh!" Lucy hurried to the door, smoothing down wrinkles on her shirt and shoving flyaway pieces of hair down. "What do you want?" Lucy asked.

"Just wondering if..." Mira struggled to come up with a plausible excuse. "...you wanted to come to Lisanna's poetry competition?"

Erza nudged Mira's ribcage, and the take-over mage added, "I'm competing too, by the way,"

Lucy sighed, and answered, "Look, I'd love to go any other time. But," she stood in the space between the door and the inside of the house, "I'm busy right now."

Mira widened her eyes slightly and bit her bottom lip. "Okay, Lucy-chan."

She slumped down, tears welling in her eyes.

"I'll go!" Lucy exclaimed hurriedly. "I'll go listen to your poetry."

Mira beamed. "Thanks, Lucy-chan!"

Lucy slipped into the house, and Mirajane heard Natsu's groan of annoyance and Lucy's consoling.

"Yes!" she whispered excitedly to Erza. "This is all according to plan!"

Erza flipped her long, shiny hair, and replied haughtily, "Well, if it were _my _plan, it would be more efficient."

Mira grinned maliciously, making her scarlet-headed companion shudder.

Lucy stumbled out of her apartment, smiling dumbly. "Okay, I'm ready!"

Mirajane grabbed her arm and dragged her away, motioning for Erza to follow. The three women travelled halfway across Magnolia, before Mira turned on her heel and confronted Lucy, "What's up with you and Natsu?"

Lucy laughed uncomfortably. "Aren't we going to listen to poetry?"

Erza stared at her blonde friend incredulously. "You actually believed that feeble excuse?"

Lucy's eyes widened, and she stumbled backwards. "This was a ploy? Ugh, should've known."

Mira smiled malevolently before interrogating Lucy more. "Tell me!"

"No way!" Lucy squealed, attempting to flee the scene.

"No, you're not escaping!" Mirajane threatened to use her Satan Soul, and, suddenly, Lucy was a _lot _more cooperative.

"Okay, fine. It was about four months ago, on a mission. There was a ton of sake, and I mean a _ton_, and it just kinda... happened. Like, boom!" Lucy explained. "Um, I dunno about after that. Boom! Just kinda kept on happening."

Mira tapped her head, angered slightly by Lucy's inadequate explanation. "Any more?"

Lucy shook her head solemnly. "No, Mirajane."

Mirajane growled. _Another plan foiled! _She glowered at Lucy before grabbing Erza and stalking away, muttering something about torturing Natsu for information. Erza nodded, grinning. What a lovely day of torture ahead! Maybe she'd torture Gray, just for fun...

Lucy sweatdropped at her friends' attitudes, and snuck away.

Mira turned to say something to her blonde, Celestial Spirit mage friend, only to find her gone.

"LUCY HEARTFILIA! GET YOUR ARSE OVER HERE RIGHT THIS INSTANT!"

Lucy scrambled away, squeaking, "I'm screwed!"


End file.
